It just happened, without looking for it. No big fireworks or du-du-dum orchestra finale. But the consequences are earth shattering to say the least. Finally I am whole!
In sharing my healing journey I wish to show you that it is possible, and to hand you the tools that might help you on your own journey! The different methods and techniques listed here are linked to other webpages for further details. Good reading, and leave a comment! Yours, Guy Giard
You could say it started years ago; getting out of the violence and solitude of the rapes has been quite a long journey. Fighting a losing battle against my family, being an easy target for bullying at school, I found in coffee and cigarettes the numbing I needed to survive. My mind and my feelings were locked away in the Phantom Zone.
Early in the 90’s I escaped to Europe. The first taste of my beingness came through doing some body work. Memories of the sexual abuse drifted back to the surface as I meditated in yoga classes. Later on I found in Paris a little known therapeutic method called “La Methode Vittoz” which focuses on reconnecting by simple sensory awareness to the body . No need for analytical analysis or even the recovery of memories. Just being present in the here and now was enough.
Back in Canada I explored other body works, Tai Chi, Feldenkrais, Alexander, Osteopathy. I was able to uncover and release some of my rage locked in my root area, my genitals. Needing more understanding I found one man who gave me the support to follow through: Alan Watts. His hundreds of lectures on Confucius, Zen and Buddhism saved my life. I constructed a small altar in my one room apartment and practiced Mindfulness meditation.
Life improved as I attended groups such as Survivors of Incest Anonymous , Co-Dependants Anonymous and EADA – Enfant Adulte de famille dysfonctionnelle ou alcoolique, I found safety and solace as I learned to identify my feelings. I read books on healing by Louise Hay and learned on codependency with Melody Beattie.
I was penniless and lived on welfare and work programs. I understood that my family never taught me to take care of myself, so I started to search for mentors. With the birth of the internet I followed religiously Bob Proctor with his ‘You were born rich’ program. Followed Tony Robbins‘ ‘Unlimited Power’, and even more life changing Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People! My walls were covered with post-its of all sizes and colors. I was empowering and loving myself! It worked! I quit smocking, got married, a credit card and a real job!
But I didn’t address my core issues so I ended up putting on a lot of weight. I developed sleep apnea as I became obese. Again the body takes over when the mind can’t listen. So I researched diets and started Jorge Cruise’s ‘8 Minutes in the Morning’ program. Success, I lost weight, my wife got pregnant, a new status quo was reached!
I got healthy again, but I wasn’t any closer to my true self. This time Death had to come to shake my grounds.
For Whom the Bell Tolls
“It was a cold night in November. Waiting at the bus stop, we were celebrating my birthday. As the bus finally arrived a large crushing noise resounded. The bus crashed into the shelter. My reflexes took over as I picked up my 2 year old daughter and backed away. My wife fell down. The rooftop was about to crush her. With my 2 year old under my arm I put myself in it’s trajectory and pushed. It came crashing a few inches beside her as I fell down to my knees. Our daughter, safe in my arms, never touched the ground. Bruised, we were alive.”
Yes we were alive, but was I really living my life???
My father died a few years later. My life mission wasn’t being fulfilled at work. Alan Watts came back into my life, this time along with Wayne Dyer‘s introduction to Taoism. I got back into body work with Laughter Yoga and EMDR « Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing ». I took a clown workshop and joined Dr ‘Patch’ Adams in Guatemala. I was now living new experiences away from Canada. I opened a first channel to my heart and was submerged by new feelings. I cried rivers of pain and relief.
I went to Chicago and learned of my message with the amazing Judy Carter. I studied Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and completed a level 1 workshop. I also followed Paul Denisson’s Brain Gym workshops and also Reiki . Like the peels of an onion each technique was bringing me more into my body. And then my brother, just a couple of years older than me, died. I was angry. His story, the results of generations of family abuse, had killed him.
Gina Cenciose introduced me to Eugene Gendlin’s Focusing technique. This time my mind was ready and I got in full contact with my body. I welcomed all my sensations and listened quietly to it’s healing messages. I discovered the wisdom of the body, and started to get out of it’s way.
I am the creator of my thoughts and feelings.
Then, finally, as a family we assisted to a four day Tibetan Buddhism sand mandala compassion workshop. They chanted, explained their rituals, gave talks on Buddhism, meditation and compassion. Nothing new, except that they nailed down what I already knew: I am the creator of my thoughts and feelings. Events, life happens, but I am free to choose my attitude. Choose ‘Le Bonheur’, happiness, simply, anytime, anywhere in any circumstances.
That one question became the quantum point in time when everything changed. It came up at a talk on compassion. The monk was describing workshops in schools. Quebec, where I was born and now reside, is immersed in Catholic upbringing. I could visualize this monk talking about Buddhism in a classroom while standing under a crucified Christ.
The whole guilt story of ‘dying for your sins’ came to my mind, and I wondered about the place of forgiveness in Buddhism. I hadn’t heard that word since I was here.
”Nope, there are no words for forgiveness, and neither for guilt or shame in Tibetan” he answered….. My mind started to compute, outside of the box… no words for those ?? They were about accepting all that there was, and choosing happiness. Nothing about shame or guilt. I came back to Montreal with this startling idea.
I had made some stupid choices in my life. I now dared to accept what I thought were shameful and guilt ridden past actions in a new light. No more judgments, no more beating myself up. They were bad decisions, yes! I wouldn’t make them again, yes! But they were done and over with! That was that!
Alan Watts and Carl Jung to the rescue!
I thought this is what Carl Jung described as the ‘The Shadow’: accepting your ‘dark side‘. So I went back to the Net and found one video of Alan Watts Talking about Carl Young. Alan Watts came back for a third time in my life and I listened over and over day and night for three days.
What if this Duality of Good and Evil was just an idea? No good, no evil, no shame, no guilt, nothing to forgive? It had a name: Nonduality.
I became awaken, enlightened! Call it what you want, I was free. As soon as you name ‘it’ you are no longer ‘it’. I’ve crossed over!
Call it spiritually or not, it’s irrelevant. Years of studying quantum mechanics, psychology, anthropology, chemistry, physics, philosophy, atheism, communication, hunter and gatherers, nutrition and so on gave me the groundwork to connect all the dots. The body work had slowly got me back to my senses, to myself.
“I had to get rid but of one piece of the puzzle that never fitted anywhere: I had to be good! I felt shame and guilt and hated myself for never achieving this”
Resistance is futile… or was it?
Good or Evil, my brother died because he rebelled against that concept. My father died disease ridden because he embraced it. I could neither embrace nor rebel. I escaped with cigarettes, alcohol, food, entertainment, sometimes even using sex as a desperate attempt to connect. Like my brothers I became violent when none of these were available. I had to be good, no matter what!
Humor was the only thing that kept me sane all these years. Monty Python irreverence and absurdity reflected the impasse I was in: damned if I do, damned if I don’t…
Now I am born to myself, I have given up duality, I reflect, meditate and I am connected
Duality meant Fight or Flight. Others opinion were my lifeline, judging me if I was Good or Bad. I was 100% wrong and had to destroy that feeling, either through numbing or violence. It’s over, I am now free. I can create the world I was always meant to do. I can give up my soul band-aid I have used for the last 40 years, caffeine.
I am born to myself, I have given up duality, I reflect, meditate and am connected.
So can you!
In my next post I will describe what it is like to live a nondualist life. I love you all
PS; Please share your comments below, either about Alan Watts, Good and Evil or anything that come to your mind.
Start the conversation by writing your thoughts in the ‘Leave a Reply’ section below!
If telling my story can offer a beacon of hope to those who are locked away behind dark walls of protection, then I feel I have started to accomplish my task.
Guy Giard is a speaker and the author of the upcoming book ‘LOVE’s healing journey’ How to Triumph over life’s adversities.
Dr “Patch” Adams writes about Guy Giard: “I truly feel his passion to live radiant, using clowning as a tool to help midwife a loving world. To hear of his own transformation to being a loving soul will inspire others to try it on.
Sign up today for the Pre-Launch Newsletter by following this link and be the first to receive special reductions and excerpts from the book!