Have you ever felt like: “How can I get out of here and on the first plane to…..”?
Fill in the blank with your heart’s desires: tiptoeing on a warm sandy beach paradise, an adventurous photo safari in an amazon jungle or even a trip to another planet!
I share these feelings. Sometimes, like me, you might have reached for a more pragmatic solution like having yet another cup of latte, a fat piece of cheese cake or a hot slice of sex.(or all three at once!). Our tongue is such a luscious pleasure organ!
Sadly there are other options that over time may end up as addictions: alcohol, cigarettes or worse, drugs.
Pleasure all the way!
I had the good, the bad and the ugly of pleasure and pain.
The GOOD: I chose coffee and cakes to hit a temporary bliss. I ended up out of breath, overweight and on the road to type 2 diabetes. Luckily, my health declined and I developed sleep apnea (stopping breathing during sleep). My wife freaked out! I changed my life choices, adopted new habits and nutrition, and got back to a regular weight. You can follow my story and try my delicious recipes at Guy The Healthy Paleo Guy blog.
The BAD: I picked up smoking to deal with the bullying at school. That was the price to pay to become a ‘cool‘ member of the ‘IN’ crowd. Nervous and scared, I would chain smoke and drink at parties. I’d end up throwing up and getting paralyzing headaches. I was lucky though, my body had a very low tolerance for alcohol, and none for drugs. I didn’t sink into addictions. It took me twenty years to finally extinguish my last butt. (read the bullying essay)
The UGLY: A life of suicide. It was the only thoughts I knew. Whenever I am near a balcony I would feel the pull of gravity. It is a battle to not draw myself in blood on the sidewalk. Stronger then the attraction of a black hole, and yet, I had never known any understanding for it. That is, until I finally understood “The Pull”of story.
What is “The Pull” of story?
If you have been following this blog you know part of my story, the sad part of my being abused as a child. If not, well, I’m sorry if it’s not easy to read. My purpose in writing these essays is to bring hope and healing to others.
So what is “The Pull” of the story? Do you remember any time you’ve used the expression “I’d rather die than….” speak in public? tell my boss? face my partner? You feel pressure welling up inside, maybe hear that nauseating inner voice: “You can’t…….”.
Whatever you’d rather not do or not allow yourself is “The Pull”of the story. It is that one key word that “Pull”s you inside your story and locks you in your beliefs.
The power of the pull word!
The one key word that locked me in my story was BETRAYAL! I was under no circumstances whatsoever allowed to express myself. I couldn’t speak up, never contradict or “rock the boat”. I couldn’t show any emotions. Whatever elephants were in the room they were to be ignored. Spontaneity had no meaning in my world!
Family reunions were hell as I witnessed in silence the verbal assaults of my brothers. My father, quiet, drank his beers, lit up cigarettes and put on the news. “That’s enough!” he shouted, his fist pounced the table with a bang. “Why don’t you behave like adults?” was his answer to my brothers increasing vulgarities. I watched in horror.
The get togethers ended as he passed away. He had always dreamed of having a “picturesque” family at any costs. Most likely this was his “Pull” words: “Picture Perfect”. That part of my life died with him: I felt the noose on my neck loosening up with no more reunions. The pull of the balcony still remained.
What was still holding me captive? My sexual abusers threatened me with words, with a knife, with killing me if I would ever tell. Opening up meant certain death. I would rather die then to tell the truth. I would rather jump to my death then betray them. So I numbed my dilemma with food and avoided standing too close to the railing of life. I made an oath to become obedient, silent and invisible. That’s my “Pull”.
When “Pull” comes to “Push”!
My brother never found his pull and died in his story. I told part of his story in Dying to be Liked. Meanwhile I went to Guatemala with Patch Adams. There I battled to become visible again, and I also found Rob. He is a policeman and a clown. This totally unsettled me as I had been abused by people in authority.
I now had to betray myself, or more exactly, to betray my own story. For decades my story held that betrayal meant instant death. I was caught in a perfect catch 22. I now had to turn the table on it. I cried as I betrayed my unspoken oath, body shaking in fear of reprisal as I faced certain death. I denounced the crime. It was the first time I used the word “rape”. “Pull” became “Push.
I had just experienced the process of transforming my “Pull” into a “Push”. I won!
What is your ‘Pull’ word?
Today when I feel the “Pull” for certain foods or actions I literally choose to betray myself. I answer: “Ok, this is what I feel for. I see you for what you are and I will BETRAY you and will not do as you wish!” I betray myself and I feel relieved. I betray my story, I betray my beliefs. The pressure vanishes and I can be spontaneous. I am free from the ‘Pull” of my story!
Do you have your own personal ‘Pull’ stories? Do you remember any time you’ve used these expressions:
- “I’d rather die than…. ?
- Have that nagging inner voice arguing: “You can’t…… ?
Can you recognize the “Pull’ word that keeps you locked in your story? Whatever you’d rather not do or allow is your pull word. It keeps you locked, and now, it’s time you turn ‘”Pull” into “Push” and open your life.
I believe that now that you hold the key, you can transform that “Pull” into a ‘Push’ and choose your life over your story. I believe in you!
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If telling my story can offer a beacon of hope to those who are locked away behind dark walls of protection, then I feel I have started to accomplish my task.