Violated of my Self
I have now to violate my Self
To regain my Self
I understand that this short poem is a hard read. It is also hard to write. If you want a ‘real feel’ for this post listen to Crass while reading. Their songs are playing in my earbuds as I am sitting at Starbucks, computer on my lap. (Crass were an English art collective and punk rock band formed in 1977 who promoted anarchism as a political ideology, a way of life and a resistance movement, more info on Wikipedia)
This music is “relaxing” as I am writing down hard emotions.
1 “Do They Owe Us a Living?” 0:00
2 “Major General Despair” 1:51
3 “Angela Rippon” 3:08
4 “Reality Asylum” 4:09
5 “Shaved Women” 10:47
6 “Bloody Revolutions” 15:29
7 “Nagasaki Nightmare” 21:47
8 “Big A Little A” 30:10
9 “Rival Tribal Rebel Revel” 36:24
10 “Sheep Farming In The Falklands (Flexi)” 39:34
11 “How Does It Feel?” 44:57
12 “The Immortal Death” 49:22
13 “Don’t Tell Me You Care” 53:20
14 “Sheep Farming In The Falklands” 56:54
15 “Gotcha” 1:00:48
16 “You’re Already Dead” 1:03:52
17 “Nagasaki Is Yesterday’s Dog-End” 1:08:20
18 “Don’t Get Caught” 1:10:20
19 “Smash The Mac” 1:13:30
20 “Do They Owe Us A Living? (live)” 1:17:31
Humor, writing and music have given me a voice when I had none. Heavy Metal and Punk has the intensity and rawness of what I experienced as a child. Having it bottled inside as caused chaos in my life, as in hiding behind foods with consequences such as being overweight and suffering sleep apnea. Or worse, losing my temper, once, when my older brother was beating me up. I turned on him and pinned him to the ground and started to pounce. I screamed, I cried, I clawed, I became a wild animal, unchained! I totally lost it! I was scarred and scared. I decided then and there to never let my Devil out again.
Crass in my ears is soothing as they offer a safe funnel for my feelings. Their harsh tones and aggressive rhythms are in tune with a part of my Self. Same as with this small poem. What I wish to share is the seeming contradictions inherent to the Healing Process. As the saying goes: “If you love someone, let them go” Healing comes from doing what is counter intuitive.
Healing comes from doing what is counter intuitive
Violated of my Self: When a child is abused he/she must makes sense of the Universe. He must come to an understanding, whatever it is. Since I had no one to protect or listen to me, offering alternate explanations, I came to the most natural conclusions: that I deserved it and that I was a bad person. It also meant that to feel good I had to seek the approval of external bodies, literally and figuratively. These were now my foundation beliefs.
I have now to violate my Self: From these beliefs I built a whole life becoming an overachiever, stressing about success and accomplishments. I realize that this was also my father’s dilemma. Love relationships became a mine field of unspoken expectations as I needed constant reassertion of my goodness. I carried a scorecard and checked off positive or damned myself for failures. Food, cigarettes and alcohol were the only way to disengage my control. I have now to tear up this blueprint.
To regain my Self: Giving up what has guided me for the last fifty years seems nearly impossible. I have to trust the unplanned, the unbuilt and be spontaneous. In the here and now I am consciously living my 5 attitudes: I say YES to life as I acknowledge all that is. I have faith that I can feel the JOY and express it. I will try to have FUN as I put into action my desires. I will practice discernment as I ask was it AWESOME? I will use detachment as I choose LIFE and let go of what is not healing. (Read the full 5 attitudes)
I choose LIFE and let go of what is not healing.
Life is the most awesome thing you will ever experience! It is an amazing gift. I know how painful or difficult it might feel sometimes, if not most of the times. With this short essay I wished to share on of the insane position you might be facing: Because you were violated in the past, you may have to violate your Self in the present.
The difference is that today, you won’t be doing this alone. Support is available with books, organisations and support groups. I know the first step is the hardest but the journey is so worth it. After all, that part of self you are letting go, actually, was never you!
You are free to fall in love again, with you, as it was meant to be. As it is your birthright.
If telling my story can offer a beacon of hope to those who are locked away behind dark walls of protection, then I feel I have started to accomplish my task.